tear tracks on the train tracks

i am the human refuge of the socially damned
who writes letters on tarot cards
and drinks acid for the kick
there are grubs in my skin
worming up to the surface
butterflies in waiting
to slide out from their fleshy chrysalis
made of past mistakes
to lay on my arms in the sun
the blood drying their wings

i will send you a muffin-basket
"thank you, dear bitch/whore/
petty empty little child,
for making me fight you
for making me retreat
so now i can turn
pretty tattoos on self harm scars
into something better

i developed an addiction
on these streets
to pretending it DOES NOT HURT
not at all
this is my london, all there is
is smoke and green lollies
rotting lungs and teeth
and inhibitions in dark candleshops

we were 
hip bones and sleeping all afternoon
we never knew love
we were underage sex 
and we made shortbread for halloween
we cried when our watches stopped
and made ashtrays from my palm
you were blue sky
he was green eyes
i was an astrologer
in love with stormy evenings
and we had a few of those

"is it just me or does she get more violent with every word?"

i live/love/loose/lie about everything
i will never get to heaven, i am much too short
for the age of my soul
and my soul mate
watch me fly, baby, watch me
[did you ever try to fly
with feathers for fingers?
you fucking crash.]
i cut my hair
and trained my heart to the sound
of hospital heartbeat monitors

beep

beep

beep

nothing [wrong with me at all]

my town boundary is a chalk outline
twinned with ennui
while i make letters for the kids who gave up
wings of wax and paper
i have a hobby of collecting heart
that is normal, right?
you all have one
but so few of us really use them
reduce reuse recycle relearn to love
but he looked like an angel
against the siren-lit stairwell
the angel of apocalypse
famine in his ice-cream van

i filled my lungs with boiling water
served it in all the top cafes
and wrote down what the dregs were 
whispering and whimpering in china prisons
they say i am allergic to
dreams and wishes
so i bought a dreamcatcher
like the child catcher
"come here children, i have candy and toys"
"come here dreams, i have self-deception and memories"

do you remember when we were stupid stupid kids
and we played at romance
i read the dictionary back-to-front, you are no longer a child
and neither of us
are playing around anymore
i want one more second chance
just this time
for the thousandth time in different settings
for the thousandth hit in different hospitals

she leaves her window [and her heart] open all night long
she remembers standing by his side
her tiger striped wrists matching his ribcage
and she cried the way he never would
with all her severed tear ducts
and cut off pressure points
asking her name over and over
getting a new answer every time
while she tries to up her dosage
to reality

and ever though bloodsuckers
are oh-so,
oh-so-cool
nobody wants to sit next to that kid with nits
and a sense of humor
you never find in yourself
until you have suffered more losses
than a circus freak has fingers
while i am trying to live like my poems say i do
i try, i try to shine that brightly
all i do is catch fire

i should really put the matches away.